Psychosis
by Akar
Summary: Yomi is sick of seeing checkerboard when she dreams. Maybe it really is all her fault. Sort of AU.
1. Inhale

**Disclaimer: **Are disclaimers even really necessary, or do people just do them because it's a sort of fanfic tradition? Well, I don't own Black Rock Shooter.

This story is sort of a cross between the OVA and anime, in terms of other selves. Back in the OVA, Dead Master possessed Yomi, so I wanted to write something kind of along that vein. Written after episode 4, before episode 5.

Also I spent way too much time trying to think of a summary for this story, and then I gave up and wrote this lame summary instead. Summaries are hard.

* * *

><p>Yomi was a good girl.<p>

She worked hard. She got good grades. She was quiet, polite, she minded her own business and people liked her. She took care of Kagari, she braided, and was careful to not step on any toes.

So whenever she heard that voice in her head, she pushed it away and ignored it. No matter what it said, she ignored it. When she was a child, playing with Kagari, she knew the voice told her to do Bad Things, and Yomi was a good girl who would never do a Bad Thing.

Never.

She ignored the dreams - she ignored how, sometimes, whenever she closed her eyes she would see flashes, crazy and wild, of chains, and checkerboard, and floating skulls.

This was all the voice's fault, Yomi knew, and if Yomi ever listened...if she ever gave in...

But it wasn't worth thinking about; Yomi would never give in. Never.

This was why Yomi didn't like to go to sleep. She dreamt too much.

xxx

The first time she heard it was a little after she read _The Little Bird of Many Colors._ It had been a bright, sunny day, and Yomi and Kagari were having a picnic. Their parents were under the shade of a tree, talking and eating and drinking wine (Yomi had a sip once, and it didn't agree with her), while Yomi and Kagari sat apart, next to the river. Kagari was staring at the picnic basket, her face aghast.

"These smell awful," she said, staring at the basket as though it was some sort of horrid creature. Yomi had laughed then.

"It's just tuna salad," she said as she unpacked.

"Tuna salad is gross," said Kagari, hugging Mary tightly to her chest. "Is there any dessert?"

Yomi looked inside. There were brownies and cupcakes under a red and white checkered handkerchief. For a moment, Yomi debated the merits of telling Kagari this. She didn't especially want Kagari to gorge herself on sweets and neglect her lunch. Yomi had been brought up with the knowledge that dessert always comes last, and she stuck to that rule.

"You ought to eat your sandwich," Yomi said.

Kagari frowned. "I don't want to."

"Kagari," said Yomi, "tuna is good for you."

"I said I don't want to!" Kagari's high voice cracked on the last note. Yomi winced - whenever Kagari got like this, she would cry. Kagari was a tremendous cryer. Nonetheless, Yomi tried again.

"It's good, really," she said, putting a hand on Kagari's shoulder.

"No it's not!" With that, the floodgates opened. Kagari started to cry loudly, tears running down her red face. Yomi, a little panicked, rubbed Kagari's back and held her hand.

"There's dessert _after,"_ she said. "There's cupcakes and brownies, and they'll taste a lot better after you eat the tuna." Yomi could hear the parents come over, and, worried, she redoubled her efforts, smiling at the bawling Kagari. "If you really don't want to eat it, we can split one." Yomi figured that eating half a lunch was better than eating none at all. To her left, she heard the vague noise of a camera snapping. She ignored it. Parents were weird.

"There's dessert?" Kagari asked, her voice thick, apparently hearing only the words 'cupcakes' and 'brownies'.

Yomi nodded. "But, you can only eat it after you eat some of the tuna."

_isn't she annoying?_

Yomi blinked and snapped her head up, looking around. There were her parents, and Kagari's, smiling at the two of them, as though this was some kind of big joke. Yomi's mother was holding a camera, was talking to Kagari's mother, chuckling over something. Kagari's tears were beginning to clear, the girl wiping her eyes with her sleeve. Yomi frowned. What was that voice?

_she should just shut up_

"Did you hear something?" Yomi asked Kagari.

Kagari shook her head, still wiping at her tears. "No..." she looked at the picnic basket petulantly. "Aren't we going to split?"

Yomi bit her lip. Maybe it had just been her imagination. "Uh...yes," she reached back and grabbed a wrapped sandwich. She unwrapped it carefully, the plastic clinging to her fingers. The odor of tuna wafted up to her nose and Kagari made a noise of disgust. Despite herself, Yomi felt a twinge of annoyance. Kagari was always like this. She could be so hard to get along with, really.

_don't you want to hurt her_

Yomi's eyes widened and her hands froze. That voice was so clear and distinct. She whipped her head around, looking. Her parents and Kagari's had gone back to their place under the tree. There was no one around except for Yomi and Kagari. The two of them were alone on the picnic blanket. Yomi swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. Guiltily, Yomi thought back to her earlier vehemence against Kagari. When the voice whispered that in her ear, in that moment - that one frozen space in time - Yomi _did_ want to hurt Kagari. But...Yomi was a good girl. She never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all her best friend. Kagari could be difficult at times, but Yomi still cared about her a lot. Yomi would never...

Would she?

Her hands, numb, tore the sandwich in half.

_like tearing her throat_

When Yomi ate the sandwich, it tasted like dust.

xxx

That night, Yomi huddled in her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Yomi was still young enough to be troubled by thoughts of monsters, and thoughts of monsters were what was in her mind now. That voice she heard earlier, at the picnic...it said bad things. It made her think bad things - things that she never thought before.

Yomi stared at her hands. They looked harmless. Normal. There was no way her hands, so innocent in the moonlight, could hurt someone. There was no way. But when Yomi blinked, for one instant, her hands were claws; claws with long fingernails, claws that were black and metallic, claws that could tear, could _hurt._ But that vision was gone before Yomi could fully see it. Her hands were normal now. Shaking, Yomi tucked them under the bedsheet - she didn't want to see.

When she closed her eyes, she was falling, down and down like Alice in Wonderland, but instead of going down a rabbithole she was going down an endless black and white checkerboard pit. Black chains surrounded her, jingling faintly. Around her were small skulls, teeth grinning, eyes glowing green fire.

_I see_

Yomi's eyes widened. The voice was a lot louder now, echoing around her. Yomi flailed in midair, limbs useless.

_you're perfect_

The voice sounded warm, almost friendly. It sounded pleased, as though it just had the last cookie in the cookie jar. Yomi slapped her hands against her ears and screwed her eyes shut, but she could still hear the voice echoing in her head.

_Who are you?_ Yomi thought.

There was a brief pause. The chains stopped jingling, the skulls stopped their slow rotation around Yomi. Yomi, however, was still falling, tumbling down further and further into the pit. She was so far down. When she looked up, there was no opening - only a mass of criss-crossing chains, closing off the exit. Occasional cracks of light shown through, however.

_me?_

The voice sounded amused, somehow, as though Yomi had said a particularly funny joke.

_you're a clever girl_

_I'm sure you're smart enough to find out_

There was contempt in the voice, so heavy and cold that Yomi's eyes shot open and for an instant she saw nothing but green fire. Then, her vision cleared, and she was in her room, and it was time for school.

xxx

After that night, however, the voice was quiet, much to Yomi's relief. Soon, as time passed, it left her mind altogether. Looking back on it, Yomi could laugh. It was nothing but a bit too much sun, that's all. It was a hot day, and Yomi _had_ been reading a scary book the other night, a book about ghosts that haunted a house on a hill, so the voice, strange as it was, was probably nothing. Sun-touched, that's all. That was a phrase the doctors on TV used on the gross dramas Kagari would watch sometimes. Sun-touched.

Funny then, how it was another sunny day when the voice returned. Yomi and Kagari were in school, Yomi's feet kicking lazily under the desk as she paid attention to the teacher's words. Kagari, sitting at the seat next to her, was already distracted, doodling on her page. Yomi wondered how she was going to tell her that she would be moving to Germany soon. Her stomach churned unpleasantly at the thought. Kagari would not take it well, but there was nothing to be done. It was for Yomi's father's job, and Yomi's parents had patiently explained to Yomi that she would still be able to talk with Kagari. There was the phone, of course. There were letters, wouldn't that be fun? There was video chat too, on the laptop, so they could still see each other. And of course, there would definitely be vacations back to Japan during breaks.

Yomi allowed her attention to drift a little from class as she thought about how to go about breaking the news to Kagari. During school would be too soon. Better to tell her at home, when Kagari was happy and sated with dessert. Yomi mentally checked down a list of sweets she had at home. She didn't have much of a sweet tooth, so most of the desserts at Yomi's home was reserved for Kagari. There was ice cream...cake...cookies. And it was a Friday, so the rest of the day stretched out peaceful and lazy and free. Maybe a movie, one of the gross ones Kagari liked so much. With popcorn...

Yomi wanted to pamper Kagari a little before telling her the unfortunate news.

At break, Yomi put her books away and got up to face Kagari. The girl was facing away from her, however - was talking with some other classmate about something.

That was rare. Kagari was the kind of girl who kept to herself most of the time. Despite that, she was popular in class, though she herself didn't know it. Unlike Yomi, who most people stayed away from, Kagari was the kind of girl who drew people to her. Looking at her, Yomi couldn't help but to feel a little envious...

_you want her to herself_

Yomi froze. Was that...no. It couldn't be. She shook her head, once, firmly. She was a little tired, that's all. Though...Yomi didn't want Kagari all to herself. It wasn't like she was _hogging_ Kagari or anything...it's just that, they were best friends, and...and...

_lies_

Yomi closed her eyes and took deep breaths, put a shoulder against the voice and pushed it away. All of a sudden, she felt weak and dizzy, her head pounding.

"Yomi?" Kagari's voice. Yomi took another steadying breath and opened her eyes, seeing Kagari before her, confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Yomi, her voice unconvincing even to herself. "Um...what did that girl want?"

Kagari glanced back in the direction of the girl and shrugged. "She wanted me to help her with something stupid. I told her to go away."

Yomi winced. Kagari had never tempered her words. Despite that, however, no one seemed to mind. In fact, her harshness only served to increase her popularity. Not that Yomi minded. Really. It was good to see Kagari making other friends...

_no it's not you want her to yourself_

Shut up, Yomi thought to herself. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Leave me alone.

_this is who you are_

it's not, it's not, it's not

_don't deny it_

Yomi put her hands to her ears again and squeezed her eyes shut, her breaths coming out in short fast spurts until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Yomi instinctively grabbed the hand tight, eyes snapping open. For a moment all she saw was checkerboard, and she was falling, falling, and standing before her was

(someone with claws and horns and an evil, evil smile)

Kagari, bewildered. The other classmates were looking at Yomi strangely too. Yomi's eyes darted from one end of the classroom to another, before she shook her head violently again. "I need to go," Yomi mumbled to Kagari, and with that she was out of the classroom, almost tripping over her feet as she ran to the bathroom. She could barely think, could barely hear - her head hurt, so much, and she could hear her heart, loud and thumping and quick, pounding in her head, and her arms, her legs, were tingling.

She burst into the bathroom, which was gratefully empty. She put her hands on the faucet, shaky, and stared down at the drain. Her breaths were choked, wheezing. In her head, laughter echoed, round and round.

_it's just a matter of time_

No it's not, Yomi thought, harder than she ever did before. It's not. It's not.

_you really are perfect_

Yomi's eyes were wild, almost animal, in the mirror. She looked pale, and small, and very young. Shaking, she took off her glasses; she didn't want to see. She placed them on the lip of the sink and lowered her head, bowed over the sink drain.

_one day you'll understand, yomi_

Yomi felt a primal shudder rack through her body when the voice whispered her name. A whimper escaped her lips, and Yomi realized with a start that she was crying.

_you're still too young_

_plants need time to grow, yomi_

_you understand that, don't you_

Yomi didn't, not really. She was just a kid. She might know more words than most, might read more than most, but when it comes right down to it Yomi was just a kid, and she didn't like this - not at all. Unaware of what exactly she was doing, Yomi had sunk down to her knees, on the dirty bathroom floor, wiping her eyes, shoulders shaking with the force of suppressed sobs.

_you're a smart girl_

_you'll learn_

xxx

Yomi left school early that day, the school nurse examining her and gravely declaring her to be suffering from some stomach distress, probably ate something that didn't agree with her. Kagari, eyes wide and frightened, followed her home.

"What's wrong, Yomi?" she asked, for what seemed like the millionth time. Yomi felt, briefly, a flash in her mind. Her teeth gritted against each other, her hands clenched into fists. Violence swept across her mind, but then it passed, leaving Yomi feeling sicker than ever.

"I feel bad," said Yomi, holding her stomach. Her eyes felt very dry. "I'm sorry, Kagari. You didn't have to come along with me." The words were rote and learned.

"I want to," Kagari said, stubbornly loyal. "We're best friends. And I didn't want to stay in school anyway, it's boring."

"Oh," said Yomi. She didn't feel very talkative today - all she wanted was to go home and crawl into her bed and...but...if she did that, she might go back to the checkerboard world again.

And Yomi didn't want to go there again, never ever. She didn't. If she closed her eyes- if she went to sleep- she might, she just might...

"Kagari," said Yomi, her voice whispery, "do you want to sleep over?"

Maybe if Kagari was with her, she wouldn't have the nightmares.

xxx

It worked for a while. After Yomi told her about Germany, Kagari wanted to sleep over practically every night anyways. Lying there with a quietly sleeping Kagari, Yomi stared up at the ceiling, tried to stay very very still. Tried to make her breathing quiet, so quiet, in case the voice sensed by hearing, though Yomi knew that made no sense. She didn't know where the voice came from, or what triggered it, but she had what she had.

With the knowledge of Yomi's immediate departure, Kagari would spend a lot more time with her than before. Yomi didn't mind. Kagari was her best friend, and she had fun playing with her. Yomi tried to teach Kagari how to braid bracelets too, but the girl wasn't very good at it. She would stare at the needles, face puckered sourly as she tried to wrestle the strings into cooperation. Watching her work, Yomi felt a clenching in her heart. She didn't want to leave for Germany, not really. What would Kagari do without her? The girl followed Yomi around practically everywhere she went, like a lost puppy. Kagari needed her. The memory of the picnic flooded back into Yomi's mind. Without Yomi around, who would take care of Kagari?

Still, it wasn't like there was anything Yomi could do about it - she couldn't very well change her father's job, so she held her peace. She was, after all, a good girl.

The weeks slipped by, and the voice was quiet. This time, however, Yomi was watchful for it. She didn't allow herself to forget, like last time. She remembered its words

(plants need time to grow)

and each time she did, she felt a primal shudder go down her spine. She remembered the heart pounding nausea back at school. She remembered the tingling. She remembered, worst of all, the sight of that person with horns and claws - a human made monster, grinning insultingly. Its face was nothing but a green blur in Yomi's memory, but the horns and the claws told enough. It was something bad - something that wanted evil things.

Yomi sucked in a deep breath whenever she remembered, and there would be the faint, mossy, dirt smell of the graveyard in her nostrils. She was wary now, and on guard. The next time the voice comes along, Yomi thought, she would ignore it. It didn't exist - it was all in her head. What was in her head wouldn't be able to hurt her.

(But what if it can hurt others?)

xxx

The weeks rolled by until the day of the flight to Germany. Yomi had to get up early to catch the flight, so when she walked out into the sunlight, it was with sleepy eyes and a slow step. Still, she was excited; Germany was a brand new place, after all. She was sad to leave home and her best friend, but she could still go back to visit, and there was the phone and letters and everything. Though that wasn't much at all, hardly a replacement for actual companionship, Yomi didn't want to whine about it, or be sad all the time. She was a good girl.

She smiled up at the chauffeur as he helped her luggage into the car before getting into her seat, buckling her seatbelt and looking out the window at Kagari's house. It was early, Yomi thought. Kagari was probably still asleep; it was the weekend, after all. Still, Yomi felt that painful clench in her heart again, and looked down. With Yomi gone, Kagari would probably make more friends with the rest of the people in her class. Not that that mattered too much...Kagari should have more friends. She was the kind of girl who would be popular, if she would just let it happen.

But then, where would that leave Yomi when she comes back from Germany? For a brief moment, Yomi saw a clear vision of the future - her returning home and knocking on Kagari's door, Kagari answering it, staring at her blankly and coldly, the way she would stare at people she was uninterested in. In the background, inside the house, there would be the sound of laughter; other people's laughter. Yomi would stutter a nervous 'hello', Kagari would scowl at her, angry at her interrupting, and then, and then-

No, Yomi told herself. Her hands were clenched tight into fists. Stop it. Stop thinking like that. That was the kind of thought the voice would make her have. Yomi wasn't the voice. Yomi was good. Plus, Kagari and Yomi were best friends. They would stay best friends, there was no way Kagari would abandon Yomi. Absolutely no way.

The car pulled away from the sidewalk, slowly. Yomi felt the engine rumble under her seat. Then, Yomi heard a voice - faint, but there. It sounded like Kagari, and Yomi gave a little start.

"Yomi!"

Yomi put her hands against the window, tried to peer outside. She saw Kagari running after the car, faint but there. She looked so small, in her pajamas, holding Mary. Yomi noticed with alarm that Kagari wasn't wearing shoes. That was bad; she would hurt her feet.

"Kagari," Yomi said, though Kagari couldn't hear, and then she saw it. Her eyes widened and it felt as though her internal temperature plummeted to ten below zero. The car - coming in from the side, right where Kagari...would...

_perfect_

Yomi couldn't move, hands placed on the windshield. She couldn't breathe, even - her throat felt stoppered. The car was approaching and there was laughter echoing, round and round, over and over, in her head, laughing and laughing and laughing.

_maybe you won't have to go to germany after all_

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

_this is what you wanted, isn't it_

Yomi couldn't even close her eyes. Kagari had stopped running, was turning slowly to the right.

_there's no way she could leave you now_

There was the sound of screeching, loud and obscene. Yomi could hear her parents' voices, raised high in alarm as they looked back. But most of all, what she heard the loudest even though it was so far away, the sound Yomi knew would echo in her head over and over, never going away, for the rest of her life

_you wanted this_

was Kagari's scream.

xxx

Yomi began having blackouts shortly after the accident.

To be precise, they weren't exactly blackouts. She would be at school, for example, trying to concentrate on work while her mind was preoccupied with Kagari in the hospital. When she closed her eyes, she would see, once again, that other world that she was by now sick of. The checkerboard world had begun to take on a greenish tint, lately. Yomi wasn't sure what that meant. Still, she wouldn't be able to 'wake up' from it - before, she could have opened her eyes while the images flashed in her mind, but it seemed as though the displacement into the world was stronger now. The voice was stronger too. It was an almost physical presence, curling in her gut like a snake. She could practically feel it sitting in her stomach, spreading slowly, like vines and creeping ivy, throughout her system.

(plants need time to grow)

It made her sick. Her dreams were troubled now. She would always, always be falling. Her feet never touched solid ground. The voice never showed itself, either - it only laughed around her. The skulls grew steadily in size, and in the distance, far down in the pit, Yomi thought she saw the movement of many skull-gray heads. The exit, far far above her, seemed to be sealed off more and more as the nights passed. Chains would be added, slowly, subtly. The cracks of light grew smaller and smaller by the day.

Yomi feared the night when she would look up and see nothing but blackness and intertwining chains, like a ball of snakes, the light and exit gone.

The blackouts, however, were the most troubling problem. They happened slowly, at first, and then accelerated, as though some force behind it was learning - became more and more skilled with it as time passed. Eventually, slipping into the blackout, the transition, was as smooth as closing her eyes. Occasionally Yomi would surface with her seatmates at school looking oddly at her, a touch of fear in their eyes. Once, the teacher had taken her aside and told her, gently, that if she was so upset about Kagari's health, she could take a break from class.

Kagari. When it came to Kagari, her condition was shaky. The days immediately following the accident was a haze in Yomi's memory - nothing but panic, the trip to Germany called off, Yomi's father constantly stressed as he worked out his job situation. Kagari had been hurt bad - really bad. Yomi had overheard the words, foreign and frightening, 'fracture' and 'compound' and, worst of all, 'might not be able to walk again'.

Those were the days the blackouts at school occured the most - the days when Yomi's life was like a fraying string, bits and pieces of it falling away, unable to be put back together. She became withdrawn and pale, spending all of her time, rereading obssessively and without reason, _The Little Bird Of Many Colors._ It was easy to slip into the colorful book, back to a time when life was simple and easy, the days before that fateful picnic.

However, eventually, as it always did, the world righted itself. It started first with the news of Kagari's successful operation. Her bones were set, on the mend - with luck, she would be able to walk again. The blackouts at school faded. Yomi's father secured a job position in Japan, and the Germany position went to someone else. Slowly, the world began to spin on its normal axis again.

Or so Yomi thought.

xxx

The golden sunlight filtered in through the blinds, casting parallelograms of light on Kagari's sheets. Yomi was sitting on the chair next to the bed, braiding a red bracelet as she talked to Kagari about inconsequential things - things like the book she had been reading lately, what she learned at school, life's everyday rhythms. Kagari, however, was toying with her sheets, glancing out the window - clearly distracted.

"I wish I could go outside," she said. "I'm tired of this room."

Yomi smiled. "You'll be out of here soon. The doctors said your legs are healing."

Kagari looked at Yomi and smiled, weakly. "Yeah..." her voice was soft.

Yomi opened her mouth to say more, reached out with her hand to Kagari's, but then she blinked-

and fell.

Careless. Careless. Stupid. Yomi looked around her, at the increasingly cracked checkerboard, at the green light that infiltrated the entire place. There were more chains over the exit now. Yomi squeezed her eyes shut and opened it again, but she was still falling. In the distance, however, she heard voices - one that sounded eerily like her own. They echoed in the pit. Beneath her, the gray skulls watched.

_"But...the outside is scary, isn't it?"_

_"Scary?"_

That sounded a lot like Kagari. Yomi's gut flipped.

_"Yeah...you were hurt really badly, Kagari. Maybe it's better to just stay inside..."_

The realization was dawning on Yomi. Nausea rose in her body and she covered her face, taking shuddery breaths. Where was she? What was this place? Why _her?_

_"And you watched all those dramas...the doctors aren't always right..."_

_"...what do you mean?"_

_"You might not even be able to walk...and even if you could, you might get hit by a car again."_

_"Y-Yomi-"_

_"Isn't it better to just...not walk? That way, I can protect you."_

_"I..."_

What was she saying? Wake up, Yomi thought to herself, the voices roaring in her ear, washing over her brain and consciousness. Wake up, wake up, wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup-

Yomi gasped as her eyes flew open. Breathing heavily, she leaned forward and put her hands on her head. She was sweating, cold. Her body felt heavy and sluggish - as though there was some other presence in it, occupying the space, weighting down her limbs. Slowly, however, sullenly, it left, draining out of her body until Yomi felt she could move again.

Kagari was staring at her. "Yomi...?"

Yomi passed a hand over her face and shook her head. "It's...it's nothing."

"What was all that about me not being able to walk again?" Kagari's voice was shaky. Yomi recognized that voice. She was about to cry again. "Do you really want me to..."

"O-of course not!" Yomi said. "I wouldn't think-"

"So then why did you say it?" Kagari asked, hands clenching into fists on the bedsheet, glaring at Yomi.

Yomi couldn't answer. She opened her mouth, and said nothing. What could she say? She blacked out? She was _possessed?_ Things like that didn't happen in real life. Those were cheesy things in scary movies and books. There was no way this could be happening to Yomi, except for the fact that it just did. But Yomi couldn't tell Kagari that, she wouldn't believe her.

Kagari looked down at her hands, slowly unclenching them. "So that's what you really think."

That one sentence jarred Yomi out of her trance. "No...no, it's not, I don't-"

"Go away," said Kagari.

xxx

Though the doctors found nothing wrong with her legs, Kagari couldn't walk. It was something in her heart, Yomi's mother had said to Yomi's father - a phrase Yomi overheard and was never able to forget.

Kagari had changed now, too. She stopped going to school, started spending all her days indoors, with Yomi. Her hair grew long and tangled, her golden eyes dull. She watched her gross TV shows all the time now while Yomi braided.

Yomi was a stress braider; it was an outlet. The rhythm of it was soothing, and she liked how it followed simple patterns. When you come right down to it, braiding is repetition. Repetition is safety. Repetition got Yomi's mind off of the voice, and what she did. This was all her fault. Because of her, Kagari was like this. Because of her...

_but now she's all yours_

Yomi dully ignored the voice. Even the dreams she ignored, until she stopped remembering them, though she woke up with a faint tinge of panic every time. The blackouts stopped, as though all it wanted was that one moment in the hospital where it destroyed everything. She just braided, over and over. She imagined herself to be collecting colors, like the bird.

Yomi still did not understand what exactly the voice was, and she wasn't inclined to tell anyone else. If she told people about it, they might think she was crazy. She might be taken to this place called the 'asylum', and she wouldn't be able to leave because everyone would think she was out of her mind. And she wasn't. It was just the voice. That voice, those dreams, the blackouts.

It wasn't Yomi. Yomi was good.

(right?)

An immense hopelessness filled her. She couldn't even fight the voice. It was too strong, too powerful. Yomi felt stretched and tired, like a doll that had been played with too many times. During the day, she listlessly drew, over and over, the little bird.

A year slipped by, then middle school. Yomi went. Kagari didn't.


	2. Exhale

**Disclaimer: **Don't own BRS.

Wow, my first chapter 2. Wootage. Hope you all enjoy! This is where it actually goes into the episodes of the series.

* * *

><p>Yomi had never been the outgoing type. Making friends was hard for her. In elementary, her only friend had been Kagari. For reasons Yomi did not fully understand, people tended to stay away from her. She was used to it, though. Besides, Kagari was possessive, always had been. If Yomi made other friends, she knew that Kagari would pitch a fit, like she did back in preschool when Yomi started to become friends with another girl.<p>

Of course, having such an insular friendship wasn't very good...but Kagari, the way she is now, completely dependent on Yomi, unable to walk due to her heart, needed her. The last thing Yomi wanted was for Kagari to become even worse. She pushed her into this condition, that day in the hospital room, and who knows what other things Yomi had said to cause this outcome in her other blackouts? Though they stopped now, Yomi still feared closing her eyes.

After school, walking quietly down the road in the courtyard, taking in the sight of the middle school on her first day, Yomi glanced over to the left. A girl had fallen on her bottom after a few other girls accidentally bumped into her. Yomi went over to her and offered a hand to help her up.

"Are you okay?" Yomi asked.

The girl only stared at Yomi's hand. "Red..."

"...huh?"

"A-ah!" the girl gasped and scrambled to her feet. "I-it's nothing! I'm fine!" She laughed as she dusted herself up. Her smile was effusive and bright, and she pointed at Yomi's bracelet. "That looks great!"

Yomi looked at her bracelet, and then she understood. It was the red one she made at the hospital, the day

(don't think about it don't)

"I made it myself," Yomi said, smiling at the girl.

"Wow!" the girl looked honestly amazed. Despite herself, Yomi felt some warmth in her heart. The girl before her was...nice. She looked honestly interested in what Yomi had to say. It's been so long since Yomi last spoke with someone her own age at length, other than Kagari.

Kagari. At the thought of her, Yomi's breath stopped for a brief moment. Right. She couldn't get too friendly with this girl. There was Kagari to consider - Kagari, who might pitch a fit again like she did years before, who might cry and scream snd shout. This time, Yomi knew, it would be even worse due to the way Kagari is now, hollowed out and bitter. Furthermore, there was that voice to consider. Yomi still didn't know what it wanted, or why it was in her, but if she got too close to this girl...the voice might appear again, and hurt her too, like it did Kagari. Yomi had to stop that from ever happening again.

"Anyways, my name is Kuroi Mato!" the girl was saying as Yomi surfaced from her thoughts. She was smiling happily, friendly.

"It's nice to meet you, Kuroi-san," said Yomi. "I, um," she made a show of checking her watch, "I have to go home soon. My parents are expecting me."

"Oh," Mato's face fell a little, a brief second, before she rebounded back into cheerfulness. "Okay! See you at school tomorrow!"

"See you," Yomi said, not meaning a word.

xxx

Really, that should've been the end of it all. That one encounter underneath the blooming sakura tree should've stayed just that - one encounter. Yomi expected the girl she met to be like the others - distant but friendly, always at arm's length, and Yomi was fine with that. It would've been _fun,_ being friends with her, having one more person in her world, another friend to spend time with. But Yomi didn't ask much out of her own life.

"K-Kotori Asobi… _san!"_ the girl from the other day - Kuroi Mato, was it? - shouted, standing by Yomi's desk, hands at her sides.

"Takanashi," Yomi corrected, used to this misreading of her name. "It's read Takanashi for 'no hawks', but it's written with the characters for 'little bird'."

Mato blinked. "Why's it read Takanashi?"

"Because where little birds play, there are no hawks."

There was a brief pause as this explanation worked its way through Mato's head, before it clicked. "O-ohh!" Mato exclaimed, a wide smile spreading on her face. She smiled a lot, Yomi noticed, and her smile was a lot more carefree than Kagari's. "That's a name for smart people!"

Yomi couldn't help it; she laughed. Mato was too endearing and fun to be around. Mato was still grinning before she glanced over to the side, at the board. "So, um...Takanashi-san, what clubs are you planning on joining?" She dipped her head over so her face was before Yomi's.

_persistent, isn't she_

Dizziness swept Yomi's mind, and she looked away from Mato's face. Careful not to blink, her mind warned her. Blink and you'll fall. "I..." Yomi began, and then looked away. "I haven't decided yet." That said, she got up abruptly.

"What's wrong?" Mato asked, her voice tinged with worry now. Not that Yomi could tell her. If she did, all that friendliness would drop away, she was sure. She'd be the crazy girl again, the crazy girl who blacked out all the time and who was always clinging onto Kagari, dragging her down.

No, Yomi told herself, firmly. This wasn't elementary anymore. It was middle school, a fresh start, a _new_ start. Yomi couldn't let the voice control her now like it did before. Just do what she always did. Ignore it. Despite that, her hands were shaking and she shivered.

"Bathroom," Yomi said as she walked away, not looking at Mato. She vaguely heard Mato's half-hearted reply before she left the room. As she walked, Yomi took deep breaths, calming herself. In and out, in and out. Simple rhythms. Repetition. The bathroom was...that way, Yomi remembered, and made her way to it. There were people in it, much to Yomi's annoyance, excited middle-schoolers chattering about things, _stupid_ things. They were so lucky, they didn't have this _thing_ inside their heads, they weren't going

(crazy psycho insane)

Yomi's head was pounding and she heard laughter, though she didn't know if it was in her head or if it was from the middle school girls. Yomi's vision grew hazy, green pulses. Her hearing was fading in and out. She sucked in another breath, though breathing took effort now, and stared down at her feet, at her new school shoes. She heard, from a long distance, voices.

"Wow, is she okay?"

"She doesn't look very good..."

Yomi felt a hand on her shoulder and she flinched away, causing the hand to draw back in surprise.

"Do you need to go to the nurse's?"

_the nurse can't help you_

I know, Yomi thought. I know. She shook her head and pressed a hand to her face. "I uh...I don't need to go to the nurse...I need to...um..."

The girls drew back and mumbled something amongst themselves before nodding and leaving Yomi alone. The bathroom door swung shut behind them and whatever strength Yomi had left her the moment she went over to the sink. Nausea swept through her body and she threw up once. Then, she threw up again.

_poor yomi_

There was laughter in the voice. That weight in Yomi's gut felt heavier. Her limbs felt as heavy as rocks. Yomi leaned her head against the faucet's spout, her eyes closed.

She envied those middle school girls. They were just as old as Yomi was, but they seemed so young and happy and oblivious. Yomi's shoulders shook, and she heard the sound of a low, almost deranged-sounding chuckle. Where was it coming from? Yomi looked around, but she was the only one in the bathroom, and when she looked back at the mirror she saw that she was the one who was laughing.

In the mirror, Yomi looked awful, with eyebags, pale skin, red eyes, mussed hair. She can't go back to class like this. The laughter died on her lips and she stared solemnly at herself.

_you can't escape me_

Methodically, Yomi turned on the faucet. She washed her face, cleaned up the puke, washed her hands, and then washed her hands again.

_you're all mine_

A quick combing of the hair with her fingers should do the trick. Hopefully her glasses would hide her eyes - there wasn't much Yomi could do about that. In the mirror, Yomi was still a mess, but she at least looked marginally better.

Stomach upset, Yomi thought scornfully, thinking back to the nurse in elementary school. They didn't know anything about anything. If Yomi went to the nurse she'd just be sent home and she'll have to eat less and take medicine. This wasn't a stomach upset.

Still, she wished it was.

xxx

"Here," said Kagari, smiling. "Have a macaron."

"Ah, okay," Mato looked a little uncomfortable, but Yomi could tell she was trying.

"Eat the brown one," Kagari held out the chocolate-flavored macaron.

_so immature, isn't she?_

Yomi stared out into space, only half-hearing the voice. It was stupid of her to bring Mato here. She knew Kagari would come over. She knew the voice would start to speak again. So why did she do it? Just to show Mato her copy of _The Little Bird of Many Colors?_

Stupid. Yomi should've kept her head down. Shouldn't have pointed out Mato's cell phone charm. But she did - it was a strong, almost uncontrollable urge. Yomi was surprised despite herself when she stopped and spoke to Mato. It was as though she couldn't think. Yomi remembered the reams of paper upon which she drew the titular little bird. There was something about that bird...Yomi closed her eyes, tried to draw upon some long ago memory, but it was hazy now. Something about the book, and that _voice..._

"You get the pink one, Yomi," Kagari interrupted her train of thoughts. Yomi looked over and saw the pink macaron being offered to her. She took it silently, unable to look into Kagari's eyes. They were hollow - they had lost the spark of life they once had.

_and it's all your fault_

No. It was the voice's fault. Not Yomi's. The voice had told Kagari to...the voice was the one that made things end up this way. Not Yomi. The voice.

"All the ugly ones are yours," Kagari was saying as she forced more macarons onto Mato, jolting Yomi a little out of her thoughts.

"Kuroi-san," she said, "you...don't have to." Why does it feel like she was only going through the motions now? Inside her, Yomi felt nothing but self-loathing and anger at the voice. All of it was the voice's fault. Without it, Kagari would be _better._ She would be _normal._ She would have wanted to go outside, and go to school, and meet new people, and

_abandon you_

Yomi squeezed her eyes shut.

The rest of the night did not go better.

xxx

Amazingly, despite Kagari's treatment, Mato went back. Yomi was drawing in the art room when Mato appeared, her steps light and distinctive.

"You joined the art club?" she asked, voice cheery, as though nothing had happened. "You're really good at this!" Mato was looking at the canvas now.

Why was she still trying? Yomi was at loss. There were so many reasons why Mato should _avoid_ Yomi. Yomi was quiet, and strange, and there was Kagari's behavior last night. Above all, however, was the voice - not that Mato knew about that, but still. Yomi didn't want Mato to be hurt. The thought of Mato becoming hollow too, like Kagari, was physically painful in Yomi's chest. She wanted to be friends with her - wanted to, badly - but there was nothing Yomi could do about it.

"Don't you get it?" Yomi said, not looking at Mato. "Even if you try to be my friend, I can't be yours. So-"

"There's a festival!" Mato shouted, disrupting Yomi's words. Despite herself, Yomi looked up at her, surprised. Mato was smiling widely, eager, determined. There was a flash of steel in those blue eyes. "Let's go together!"

Temptation swirled inside Yomi. How easy would it be to say yes? Too easy…

"A-a festival..." Yomi murmured, stalling. She gathered up her will and shook her head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because...I just can't," said Yomi. "I'll just hurt you."

"I won't be hurt!" Mato put her hand to her chest. "No matter how much it hurts, it's all just a trick in the mind!"

Yomi stared at her. "Kuroi-san-"

"So let's go have fun!" Mato put her hands on her knees and leaned forward. "Let's go, and see a lot of different things!"

Tears were brimming in Yomi's eyes, but Yomi didn't blink. The dark presence swirled in her gut, but Yomi didn't speak. She only stared at Mato. She painted such a pretty, idealistic picture. Yomi could practically see it - going to the festival, having fun with her new friend, and seeing a lot of different things...

"...of many, many colors," Yomi whispered.

xxx

Yomi didn't get to go to the festival.

After Kagari was done with her, Yomi didn't get to go anywhere outside her room for the whole weekend.

When she changed for school on Monday, the heart stood out like a brand on her chest. The voice was eerily quiet during it all. It didn't speak that night, it didn't speak during the weekend while Yomi recovered, and it wasn't speaking now. Of course, Yomi expected it to come again. Sometimes the voice went away but it always came back. Expecting it to leave forever was beyond her now.

Mato was upset when she saw. Yomi didn't say much - what could she say? But when Mato shouted those words - "You don't go anywhere, even though you could go to so many worlds if you wanted to! That's weird...that's totally weird!" - Yomi felt the strength leave her legs. She fell to the floor. In her head was a dark little chuckle.

_weird, totally weird!_

It mimicked Mato's voice with eerie accuracy.

_she really has no idea just how weird you are, yomi...only I could understand_

Because it's all your fault, Yomi thought, dully. Then, another thought floated through her head. First year of middle school. Yomi was thirteen years old. Why does she feel so much older?

_you want to be like mato, don't you_

For once, the voice seemed to speak sense.

_she is free...she can go wherever she wants..that's why she can talk about birds, and flying to worlds_

_but you, yomi, are different_

_you are chained_

To you, Yomi thought.

_to kagari_

Yomi's hands clenched and she squeezed her eyes shut. What happened to Kagari was the voice's fault. Yomi had nothing to do with it. Still, it was right. The heart on her chest proved that. The pain was still there, throbbing, imprinted. For a brief moment, Yomi felt nothing but anger. It seemed like everything was against her. She couldn't do what she wanted at all. And now Mato had called her weird too. Was that the end of it all, then? A missed festival, then ostracization? Yomi could almost laugh.

The day wore on.

xxx

Things only got worse when Kagari threw herself down the stairs. Sitting in an all-too-familiar hospital room, Yomi shivered and blinked very little.

"You'll have to do everything for me now," Kagari was saying dully. "I can't move my arm anymore."

It was just a wrist sprain, Yomi knew, but this time, the voice didn't even have to _do_ anything to make Kagari like this. Staring at her, Kagari looked hollow.

"You're going to have to feed me," Kagari went on. "Take me to the toilet. You'll have to do _everything."_

Yomi's shoulders sagged. What could she do? This time, it wasn't the voice that made Kagari this way. When Kagari fell down the stairs and ended up like this, this was...

(my own fault)

"I..." Yomi began, and then the banging on the door began, Mato yelling through it. Yomi looked up, surprised. Her heartrate started to accelerate. Why was Mato here? This wasn't her business...why would she be here, after everything, after Yomi left her hanging at the festival, after Mato saw Yomi's scar?

"Please leave, Kuroi-san," Yomi called.

"I'm only leaving with you," Mato cried through the door. "Only with you, Yomi!"

Yomi's eyes widened. Mato had called her...Yomi. Informally, no honorifics. The only other person who called her that was lying on the hospital bed in front of her. No one else had ever cared enough to call her that. Mato was...

"Shut up!" Kagari screamed, and grabbed Yomi abruptly by her blouse. "Get lost, you bitch! Yomi is...Yomi is _mine!_ Even though she did this to me! Even though she _did this to me!"_

Mato cared, Yomi was thinking, over and over. Mato cared about her, despite everything. It wasn't just Kagari and Yomi anymore, there was Mato now too. Mato was her..._friend._ Yomi didn't have many friends.

Yomi was jolted out of her thoughts when the shaking stopped, when Kagari was glaring at her suspiciously. "What are you smiling about?" her voice was suddenly low and quiet.

"Eh...?" Yomi said, slowly. "I'm...smiling?" She realized belatedly that she was, despite the tears running down her face. Her heart felt light for the first time in a long, long while. "Why am I...smiling?"

That response only seemed to enrage Kagari more. "Are you happy she called you 'Yomi'?" she snarled, grabbing Yomi by her lapels. "Why are you grinning? You bitch!" With that, she threw Yomi away, to the ground.

"Kagari..." Yomi stammered. Kagari had never been this bad before. If it wasn't for the voice, she never would have been this bad in the first place. How could Yomi have allowed things to get to this level? Why?

Mato was screaming her name into the door, banging on it loudly.

_you'd think the hospital staff would do something about all this noise_

The voice in her head sounded detached and dry, as though it couldn't care less about what was happening.

"Shut up!" Kagari was screaming.

_I did a good job, didn't I_

_she can't live without you now_

(shut up)

"You can't live without me?" Yomi asked, the fateful words dropping from her voice like stones.

"That's right," Kagari spat, her eyes completely manic. Yomi could see the whites of it rimming her gold irises. "That's _right!"_

Yomi sucked in a deep breath. She closed her eyes. This couldn't continue. This couldn't. Mato was shouting advice to Yomi - telling her not to pity Kagari, for that only made Kagari more pitiable - and her words made a kind of horrible sense. It all had to end. Yomi needed to summon up the courage to set them all free. No more chains.

_you'll never be free from me_

(so what?)

She could at least free Kagari from herself. Yomi got up and stepped forward, taking hold of Kagari by the shoulders.

"Kagari."

xxx

For a while, things seemed better. Kagari had, after fainting in the hospital room, started to take walking lessons, and Yomi even convinced her to go to school. Though Kagari had seemed very confused and disoriented when she got up, staring at Yomi as though she was a stranger, Yomi dismissed it as her head being foggy from her faint.

Yomi walked to school with Mato now, every day - her _new friend._ Friend - the word seemed alien on Yomi's tongue. A girl like her had so few friends, but Mato was one. They called each other by their first names and everything.

"Oi!" called a voice one morning as Mato and Yomi walked to school, and they turned. Yomi saw a somewhat short girl with short, poofy brown hair running up to them. She blinked. For some reason, the girl seemed somewhat indistinct around the corners, but Yomi shrugged it off.

"Ah, Yuu," Mato sounded pleased, waving at her and smiling, though inside her, Yomi suddenly found it harder to breathe. She called this girl by her first name, no honorifics, too.

"What are you doing?" Yuu scolded. "I told you there's a meeting in the morning!"

"Oh crap! We gotta get a move on! Sorry, do you mind running?" Mato directed the last question to Yomi.

"Oh...don't worry about me," said Yomi. "Go on ahead."

"But-"

"Go on ahead," Yomi repeated. "It's okay."

"Sorry, Yomi!" Mato said, bowing to her quickly as she ran. Yuu did so too, and Yomi watched as their backs recdeded into the distance. Her heart clenched. She looked away. It was nothing. Just a morning practice. It meant nothing.

xxx

Unfortunately, Mato was a lot closer to Yuu than Yomi had originally thought. Over the phone, she chattered happily about them being childhood friends, closer than anything. Yomi listened and said nothing. Whenever Yuu called, Mato answered, quickly abandoning Yomi and running off to do who knows what.

_you're just second place in her life_

Yomi tried not to listen, but how could she when it seemed so _true?_ She found herself wishing that Kagari would recover soon - that Kagari would start going to school. Then, Yomi would have a friend. An actual best friend to walk to school with. Yomi liked Mato, liked her a lot, but it always seemed as though she was looking at her back and Yuu's.

_you would never mean as much to Mato as Yuu does to her_

That's not true...Mato was Yomi's friend, and that was okay. She wasn't her _best_ friend but it's unrealistic to expect to be someone's best friend after, what, two weeks? That's fine. That's _normal,_ even. Childhood friends mean a lot, Yomi should know that better than anyone else after Kagari. But she couldn't help it. Mato was so different from Kagari, bright and happy and free, that Yomi couldn't help but to want to be with her.

Kagari returned to school a few weeks later, and as she made her introduction, she stood behind Yomi and delivered only her name before telling the class to shut up. Yomi cringed, expecting some form of reprisal.

Instead, what Kagari got was cheers.

"Doesn't she look like Sasaki Nozomi?"

"And she's foul-mouthed!"

"Too cute!"

"She's so cool!"

"Yeah, cool!"

Yomi stared at the smiling Kagari. The class already accepted her. Why are things so _easy_ for her, Yomi wondered. How is it possible that Kagari made so many friends while Yomi made so little? And Kagari was the one who needed Yomi, right?

(right)

Kagari had always needed Yomi, Yomi reassured herself quickly. That isn't going to change now. She'll become more independent, but she'll always be Yomi's best friend. That's something that won't ever change. They've known each other since childhood, like

(a painful jealous clench)

Mato and Yuu. They'll stay close.

Still, as Kagari grinned at the cheering class, Yomi didn't smile at all.

xxx

Things changed with astounding rapidity.

"You're joining the cooking club?"

"Yeah. We make sweets."

_she doesn't need you as much as you thought she did, yomi_

(that's fine, Kagari is making new friends)

"But alone?"

_it was the wheelchair that kept her tied to you_

(I don't mind at all)

"She's not alone! Right, Kagari?" an entourage of four girls came, surrounded Kagari, smiling at her.

_now that that's gone she doesn't need you anymore_

(shut up)

Then Yomi was staring at her back, words dying on her mouth as she watched Kagari walk away with her (the thought was biting) new friends.

"I didn't think she could do anything without me around," Yomi said later, sitting in the counseling office as the counselor, Saya, brewed a pot of coffee. "I promised I wouldn't let her be alone."

"You should relax a bit," Saya said, smiling easily. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" She seemed so adult, so grown-up. Yomi relaxed a little. Adults didn't have the answers all the time, but this woman was a counselor. She should know what's happening. Right. It was her job to help out, after all.

"Y-yes," Yomi said.

"Nobody would have a hard time just because you're not around," Saya said as she placed the cup before Yomi. It had a little blue bird painted on it. Yomi reached out to take it, listening. "No one needs you that much."

Yomi's hand froze.

_no one needs you_

(what?)

_if you disappeared, the world wouldn't change_

(that can't be true)

"No one...needs me?" Yomi whispered. Despite herself, the image of Kagari leaving with her new friends, the memory of Mato constantly running off with Yuu, kept playing over and over in her head.

(I only see their backs)

"Oh, sorry sorry!" Saya laughed, waving her hand in an unsuccessful attempt to dissipate the sudden tension. "Don't mind me! I just meant it's nothing you should be worried about."

_kagari doesn't need you_

(she does she still does)

_I tried to help you yomi_

(shut up you ruined everything)

_without the wheelchair she doesn't care anymore_

(you're wrong)

"Ms. Saya," said Yuu, jolting Yomi out of her thoughts. For a moment Yomi felt a green flash of hatred in her head. She wanted to

_hurt Yuu_

(no no no)

Yomi shook her head and got up. "I'm going."

xxx

"Sorry, Yomi, but we can't go home together for a while!" Mato clapped her hands together and bowed down in apology.

"Is Yuu like that too?" Yomi asked.

"Huh? Yeah, she's in the same club. Why do you ask?"

Yomi shook her head.

xxx

Kagari didn't wait for Yomi to walk her to school the next day.

"I was worried!" Yomi shouted at Kagari, sitting there, staring at Yomi as though she was a stranger.

"Sorry," Kagari muttered, a resentful tone creeping into her voice.

_she doesn't care_

(you're wrong it's a mistake it has to be)

"Sorry...? That's all you have to say?"

"What?" asked a new voice. "Why are you mad? What does it matter?" Kagari's new friend.

_who's more important to her now than you are_

Yomi clenched her fist. The voice wasn't right. Yomi had to calm down. It was all a big misunderstanding. But with Mato not walking with her anymore, busy with her club and Yuu, and with Kagari distant, far more distant than before...

_you know what that means, don't you_

It was all a misunderstanding, Yomi told herself, over and over, throughout the day, until classes ended and she went to the cooking club to pick Kagari up.

"Kagari already left," said Kagari's new friends when Yomi met them there. "I thought you'd go with her, but she left."

_see?_

The one on the left, the girl who spoke to Yomi this morning, started to talk. Her voice was cold, cruel, mean. Despite herself, Yomi thought back to elementary school, when she was bullied by the other kids for hogging Kagari. Though it wasn't Yomi's fault...Kagari just needed her.

(right?)

That had to be it. Her memories were clear, it was always Kagari who clung onto Yomi.

(my memories can't be wrong)

_are they?_

"Didn't you complain to her this morning?" the girl was saying. "You were mad someone else took care of her."

(that's not true)

"Yeah," the other girl agreed. "You're trying to hog Kagari."

Yomi's eyes widened.

(no that's not true)

_it is_

(things aren't that way)

_kagari doesn't need you_

(she does she does she does)

_you were the one hogging her all along_

"I'm not!" Yomi shouted, answering both the voice and the girl. Her head hurt, a wave of nausea rising in her. "I'm not hogging her! Taking care of Kagari was really hard for me!"

"What are you on about?" the girl sounded a little taken aback.

"So, I really don't..." Yomi squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. She could smell the graveyard again. Checkerboard flashed behind her eyes but she ignored it, pushed it away. She was practically reeling with sickness. "I really don't mind if she gets along with others! I'm glad she does!"

"Yomi...?" Mato.

Yomi gasped and spun around. Behind her was Mato and… _Kagari,_ staring at her. Except Kagari wasn't; Kagari was looking away, eyes on the ground.

_she's not even looking at you_

(why?)

_because she knows you're lying_

(I'm not lying)

Yomi couldn't take it. She broke and ran, pushing past a surprised, stammering Mato, running down the hall, which seemed awfully, awfully long now. The voice was so present in her head, she could barely tell what she was thinking and what the voice was saying.

It frightened her. Was she turning into the voice? Or maybe...

(the voice is...)

No! That can't be. There's no way. Yomi couldn't possibly be that way.

But still. Bitterness that was not her own, anger that was not her own, was infiltrating her body. She hadn't been acting like herself lately, not at all. But who was she in the first place? All she wanted was...was...

(for someone to need me)

_but no one needs you at all_

xxx

A rainy day. Yomi didn't go to school. She texted Mato a vague, panicked message, asking for help. She was rifting apart, it felt like. She wanted to throw up. She felt so sick. She wore green today, but she didn't notice. She was falling, but not into checkerboard; more of a general falling, a sinking into the world, swallowing her up whole.

"I'm sure Mato will come," Yomi whispered to herself as she waited, huddled up in the dark corner on her room. If Mato came - if Mato showed she cared - then Yomi would be okay.

The phone buzzed. Yomi scrambled to her feet to get it.

(Mato answered-she cared-)

But it was only Yuu.

"Mato's...friend..."

The phone was shaking. Yomi wondered why.

(she didn't answer)

_she didn't care_

(yuu answered)

_she's not your friend_

The message read, loud and clear: 'I'm a friend of Mato's.' 'Mato's worried too.'

(she's just worried?)

_you're only second place_

Green flooded Yomi's vision, an anger so deep she was falling, drowning in it. Before she knew it she was hitting the phone with her pillow.

"Why! Why?" Yomi could barely recognize her own voice. A part of her was standing aside, appalled.

(am I really like this?)

_you're not good enough_

(why am I so angry?)

_no one cares_

(stop it)

The strength suddenly drained from Yomi's body and she fell to the bed, burying her face in it. The phone skittered on the floor, and Yomi sobbed. She was so tired - she didn't even know what was up and what was down, who was her and who wasn't her. That thing hitting the phone...that hadn't been herself, not really. Not really, right? Yomi was a good girl. She never...she would never...

_plants need time to grow_

Was it time? Yomi didn't know. Her limbs felt so heavy. A short eternity passed, Yomi's head on the bed.

"Yomi?" her mother. "Kagari's still waiting."

Yomi raised her head, slowly. She staggered onto jelly-like legs and walked over to the window. She opened it. Standing in the rain, holding an umbrella, was Kagari.

"Kagari..." Yomi whispered, and then, as if that word was a trigger, Yomi turned and ran out into the hallway, practically tripping past her mother, off-balance, running down the walkway.

Kagari needs me, Yomi thought as she ran down the stairs, almost stumbling over her feet. Kagari needs me. I'm not useless. The counselor was wrong, she _had_ to be wrong.

Mato didn't need her. She had Yuu. Mato didn't care enough to come. But at least one person would care if Yomi disappeared, one person. Kagari. The heart carved on Yomi's chest proved that, didn't it? It was Kagari, it had _always_ been Kagari who was there, who had been her friend for so long. Tears blurred Yomi's vision, but she didn't bother to wipe them away, too intent on reaching the door, on reaching Kagari. She threw the door open when she got there, ran into the rain. She clutched the gate and saw Kagari, her friend, her _best_ friend since childhood, waiting for her, holding an umbrella and a wrapped paper package.

"Kagari!" Yomi shouted, and Kagari looked up, surprised.

"Yomi?"

Yomi could hardly get down to Kagari fast enough, her legs practically flying down the rain-sodden stairs. She got there, ground level, Kagari's eyes wide, shocked, and Yomi threw her arms around Kagari.

"I'm sorry Kagari," Yomi sobbed. "I'm so sorry." She had done horrible things, had ignored Kagari the last time she came, had snapped at her when they were playing Monopoly, the voice putting her into the wheelchair, the Germany trip hospitalizing her, but it was going to be better now. Better. Yomi buried her head in Kagari's shoulder as her arms tightened around her friend, shaking with the force of her tears.

"Don't worry," said Kagari, softly. "It's okay."

xxx

After some time, during which the two of them had gotten thoroughly soaked, Yomi led Kagari to her house. She felt relaxed now. Kagari still cared. Kagari still needed her. Why else would she wait out in the rain for so long? The voice had been wrong. The counselor had been wrong, too. People still needed her. God. How could Yomi have let their words get to her so much? Everything's okay now.

Inside her, the voice chuckled, but Yomi ignored it. It wasn't right all the time. It was wrong now. Kagari had handed her the package on the way in, and Yomi was holding it now, standing at the entranceway to her house, facing Kagari, smiling.

"Are these sweets again?" she asked.

"Yeah," Kagari nodded. "I made chocolate chip cookies."

A warmth filled Yomi's heart. Her legs were shaky with thankfulness. Back in her room, it felt as though she was about to fall off the brink...but thank god she remembered Kagari. Thank god Kagari cared enough to wait for her. What was Yomi thinking? She would never make that mistake again.

"Thanks," said Yomi. "That makes me so happy." The words sounded inadequate on her tongue but that was okay. She would make everything better. Everything was okay now.

"Really?" Kagari asked, sounding pleased.

"Yeah," said Yomi, her smile wider now, less shaky. She was back on solid ground.

Kagari looked down at the ground. "Glad to hear it. I felt like I really had to do something for you."

Kagari could be very sweet when she wanted to be, apparently. Yomi smiled and nodded.

"It feels like it's always you doing something for me," Kagari continued. "I wanted to thank you."

Kagari didn't thank people very often - Yomi was pretty sure she could count the times Kagari did so to Yomi on one hand. The voice was still chuckling, but Yomi ignored it. She felt as though she could do anything now; the voice was only a small, vague concern, it didn't matter anymore, it didn't matter because Kagari still needed her, and she still _cared,_ and god Yomi would never take her for granted again, never-

"I thought you would never let me go if I didn't thank you," Kagari said.

It took a little while for that to sink in. Yomi's smile froze. Then, as the words slowly infiltrated her brain, wrapping around her head, her smile slid off her face. Her thoughts were completely aborted, leaving behind nothing but blank, white confusion.

"What?" was the only thing Yomi could say. The drip of the rainwater now seemed especially loud in the entranceway.

"You see," Kagari continued, and for the first time Yomi noticed the deep eyebags under her eyes, "you said you're happy I'm making friends, but I think you were putting up an act. You were just acting strong, and that's not good."

Yomi took a step backwards, unconsciously. What?

(this wasn't what was supposed to happen)

_you see?_

This couldn't be...there was no way Kagari was saying this. Kagari had always depended on Yomi, didn't she? And it was...it was _good_ that Kagari was making new friends. Yomi didn't care. She needed to widen her boundaries, right? Yomi hadn't been lying when she said that.

_you're lying to yourself and you know it, yomi_

"Before, I thought nothing would work out if you were gone," Kagari's words were like a slow drill, painful in Yomi's ears. "I think..."

(this can't be happening)

Yomi couldn't speak. Her throat felt closed up, stoppered.

(kagari needs me)

She was backing away, unconsciously, not even aware she was doing it. Her heart was thudding like a jackhammer, her mind pulsing.

"But you see, I don't even remember needing you that much."

(oh my god)

Yomi made a strangled sound.

(no)

_I told you, yomi_

(please, don't)

_she didn't need you_

(she was so fragile when we were kids)

_it was all you_

_I tried to help you_

_I was the one who put her in a wheelchair_

_because you knew, didn't you_

(no please no)

_it wasn't her who needed you_

_it was you who needed her_

Yomi couldn't breathe. Her vision was slowly turning green. The stench of the graveyard was strong in her nostrils. If she had cared to look, she would have seen her own shadow warping.

But Yomi saw nothing but Kagari, talking on and on.

"You did a lot for me," said Kagari. "I think you did."

The realization, heavy as the world, was beginning to dawn in Yomi's mind.

"I think I liked you," Kagari's words were unsure, as though she didn't exactly know what she was talking about, as though she was pulling them out of some long-forgotten memory, a memory that may well be illusory.

Yomi was shaking. Her throat felt dry, unbearably. She swallowed. "You _liked_ me?"

(past tense)

_liked_

(she doesn't)

_do you understand now_

(she doesn't remember)

_I can help you, yomi_

(she doesn't care)

_I can help you if you just let me_

(she doesn't need me)

_if you just close your eyes_

"To be honest, I don't know why," Kagari's voice seemed to be coming from very far away. "I'm sorry. I don't really understand it."

(she doesn't know why she liked me?)

_it never really meant anything to her_

(now that she's in the cooking club)

_now that she has friends_

(she doesn't need me anymore?)

_you see now, yomi_

(no one needs me)

_no one cares_

(if I disappear)

_the world wouldn't change_

"Please, enjoy the cookies," Kagari was saying.

Yomi's eyes felt unbearably dry. She fought the urge to blink.

"Let's forget about what happened up to now," said Kagari.

(she wants me to just forget?)

_how awful of her_

(like I'm)

_so replacable_

(like I)

_never meant anything_

(like she)

_doesn't even care_

(she couldn't)

_even remember_

Yomi could not respond.

Kagari was smiling, oblivious.

_look at her, she's smiling_

(she doesn't care)

_she should just_

(shut up)

_don't you_

(want to hurt her)

_then close your eyes yomi_

(who are you)

Laughter. Green fog. Yomi wasn't even sure if her eyes were open or closed anymore, but she fought to keep them open. Kagari was hazy in her vision.

_I thought you would have figured it out by now_

(who are you)

_you don't know?_

(who are you)

_I'm_

A flash in Yomi's eyes, _herself_ with horns and claws and an evil, evil smile.

(me)

_dead master_

(me)

_all along_

The distinction between her own thoughts and the voice's were fading more and more. A part of Yomi was standing back, shouting, a long way away. A part of her realizing, slowly, exactly what this meant. If it was herself who was the voice all along, then...that meant that...everything, the thoughts, the wheelchair, the anger and hatred...all of it was

(my fault)

It was crushing. Yomi felt as though she was being torn in half, like how she tore the sandwich so long ago.

(it was all me)

_it's all your fault_

(I was the one who hurt her)

_it was all you_

"So please..."

(if it's me)

_then it wouldn't hurt_

(if I just)

Yomi was shaking. Kagari's form was indistinct, not even visible through all the green fog.

_close my eyes_

"...let me go!"

The package dropped.

Yomi closed her eyes.


End file.
